Well the kids are back at school today. Master Four had his first day at preschool and I had my first official day off in lots (and lots) of years. I was delirious and giddy with all the projects I planned to accomplish today and all the R&R I would get as well. Well, I got to the end of the day missing them all (it is too hard to go from all four every day to none). I didn't cry when Master Four shooed me away this morning, but I couldn't stop cuddling them all when they got home.
Monster Mum made an appearance though. Always lurking in the background ready to be the banshee when a child steps out of line. God I hate that banshee.
And rather than being well rested after a peaceful day I am exhausted. Utterly. Is it a build up of the school holidays? Things were getting hairy towards the end. My tolerance was wearing thin and I didn't (and still don't) know how to combat it. Rainy days took their toll. The next rainy day I am having a bonfire to burn all those "what to do on a rainy day" books - we have done it all ten times over.
And it's too hard to strive to be the perfect mum. I felt this on a recent trip to the museum. Taking a lunch break after one exhibition and getting ready for the next some of us had reached our limit. I packed lunches and it seems Master 8 must have had enough of this type of gastronomical adventure and wanted to buy something, but the selection was dismal and so he wanted to go to McDonalds after the excursion (not in the plan and very rarely is). Belligerence set in (both his and dare I admit it mine) and I felt like a horrible mum as the beautiful mother sat next to us with her metal lunchboxes packed with fruit, and vegetables and two darling children that did not complain.
Strawberries, alfalfa, beans.
Then tonight I read a book to Master Four we got at the library recently. I never noticed the title (and he doesn't read) until tonight. It is titled "Mad at Mommy". Really? Not sure I feel bad enough already, want to get that foot and grind in those grains of guilt.
So as one does on nights like this, I go myself a-blogging, and came across some other mums who experience the same feelings and some sad stories along the way. And then I balled my eyes out.
A good cry is what one needs from time to time. I think I still have more left in me that would probably go well with a bowl of icecream but I will try and resist the urge (for the icecream not the cry).
Tomorrow I think I will work on banishing banshee mum.